I haven't blogged in awhile, partly because I haven't had time, and partly because I didn't know how to put my thoughts into words, but I think I've finally sorted everything out in my mind. I've done a LOT of thinking these last couple days. So I wanted to get my thoughts all written down about everything that has gone through my mind.
A little while I read a post about Longing or Living. I really liked the post as I read it, but I've really taken it to heart the last couple of days & weeks. Last Saturday, which was over a week ago, Grandpa fell and had to be taken to the hospital, and he's been in there ever since. He is getting better day by day, but there was one day when he was done. He wanted to die. He didn't want to suffer anymore. He said his "goodbyes" to almost everyone in my family (except for me since I was in school throughout this whole thing). Thankfully his doctor helped to change his mind and see how easy it would be to fix everything that is wrong with him. So, almost everyday we've been going up to the hospital to visit him. Like I said. I haven't had a whole lot of time to do a lot of stuff, like blog :)
My other reason for not blogging was trying to find a way to get my thoughts out there. About a month ago, I noticed that one of my friends started coordinating a lot of things to do over the weekend. Which is totally great because I hate being the one to coordinate things :) However, she wasn't inviting me. Along with 3-4 of my friends, I've been sitting back while hearing almost every weekend about what everyone did without me. It's been getting ridiculous. My friends who aren't getting invited as well and I all agree that it's extremely annoying. We also have no idea what we did to stop getting asked to go out on Friday & Saturday nights. I've racked my brain and can't come up with anything. And on this past Saturday night my friends once again got invited to go to one of their houses while 4 of us were left uninvited.
Seinfeld History Lesson
So, we got together and hung out :) And watched the video above. Which was great. But it would have been better if all of our friends had been together. A lot of these girls I have been friends with for years, and I just don't want to let them go.
This is where the Longing or Living post comes into play. This weekend I've been longing. Not exactly living. I know that I needed the time to sort through my thoughts, but I'm stil longing. Longing for a time when all of my friends got along. Longing for a time when life was "easier". Longing for a chance to just escape from everything. Longing for anything but reality. Longing instead of living. Living instead of longing is a very, very difficult thing to do. I know that my problems might seem "silly" or "childish". But they are completely real and heartbreaking to me, which makes them "serious" to me.
I've been trying to come to grips with the terms Letting Go. Those are words that I fear, despise, hate, etc. I don't want to let go of anything when it comes to the relationships with my friends, but adjustments have to be made from time to time. And what was extremely funny was the fact that my religion teacher specifically prayed for people who needed help letting go today. One of her lines in the prayer was "let us pray for those who need help letting go of friends". It was a good reminder that God is with me and will help me in the coming weeks and months which may be difficult.
I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and constraints, for the sake of Christ; for when I am weak, I am strong.
- 2 Corinthians 12:10